It’s amazing to me how Satan works. I am fully aware that, as a believer indwelt with the Holy Spirit, the evil one has no power over me. Yet even when I am at my strongest, it seems the slightest blow can bring me to my knees.
Over the last few months, I’ve found what it means to draw strength from the Lord. As I’ve entered this last semester of my undergraduate career, I’ve found myself wondering where in the world all the time has gone. It’s as if I woke up, and I’m an adult. No more playing around, no more fiddling with plans for the future. The future is now the present, and I’m right in the middle of it. Yet I am not weakened by thoughts and plans of this future/present. I have been accepted into Liberty’s Master of Arts in English program, and I signed my contract this week for the Graduate Student Assistantship for Fall, 2012. Not only do I have the privilege of studying what I love most for another two years, but I get to do it for free! Not only do I get to broaden my teaching horizons, I get to do it at the university that has done so much for me! The faculty and students I’ve learned from and grown with the past 4 years will now be my colleagues! I am continuing to teach for The Potter’s School next year, and that is yet another blessing that seems utterly surreal. Who would have thought that less than 4 years after “graduating” from this amazing organization, I’d get the opportunity to bless others the way my TPS instructors blessed me?!
The blessings of God are abundant, and I have nothing but praise for Him.
Yet insecurities, while small in comparison to these blessings, still cripple me at times. But I’ve found that naming these fears, putting a face on them, and setting them in their place is very helpful in conquering them through the Spirit.
Perhaps the most imminent threat to my joy is this looming project: the Senior Honor’s Thesis. The draft is due in 2 days, and I feel as though writing is now more like pulling teeth. Every sentence is a chore, simply because I’m exhausted. And the underlying fear is that it will not be good enough. In fact, it will not be good at all. I will submit it to my faculty committee and promptly have it ripped apart. And while I know, logically, that this will not happen, the fear is still there, nibbling away somewhere near the back of my skull, keeping me from my best work.
I must say, I also fear several aspects of the future. My friends are leaving me. And though my circle is small, it will be reduced to practically no one in just a few months. I’m so grateful for my wonderful sister/roommate who is an ever-present source of laughter and encouragement. But these wonderful friends who have stood by me for 4 years are leaving, each one going on to his or her own future, away from here. I can’t help but feel a little left behind. And I also wonder, who will take their places? Who will I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette with on Monday nights? Who will be my new shopping buddies and movie buddies and cuddle-up-on-the-couch-to-laugh buddies? Am I really walking into this new phase of life alone?
Alone. Probably the greatest and most pervasive fear I’ve dealt with is contained within that one word. I did not think I would be that girl—the one without a man, launching herself into a very grown up world with only her dreams to guide her. I know women who are excellent at being independent. One of them is a best friend of mine. She has been a huge source of encouragement during the past few months. And while I know that I’ll take whatever comes at me, and I’ll do it all by myself if need be, I don’t really want to. I’ve never wanted to be that person. I really thought I’d do it with someone. I thought I’d have a partner in this big adventure. And now I’m just starting over—alone. I honestly don’t know how to be this person. Almost 22—yet still feeling like a little girl who really should not be left alone to wander through life. I still have those little girl dreams—that Prince Charming will come in and sweep me off my feet. But more than that, I really just want a partner. Walking alone is not what I want, and I fear I might have to do it for quite a while.
Yet God answers all my fears. For my academics, I have been equipped. I trust in Him to place new friends in my life who, though not the ones leaving, will be exactly who I need for this new phase of life. And my fear of being alone. Well, that’s simple. I’m never alone : ). And when I doubt myself, and fear the worst, I’m still not alone. So I cling to the promise God gave to Isaiah the prophet for Israel (who had far more to fear than I do, but still, it works)…
1 But now thus says the LORD,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you.
6 I will say to the north, Give up,
and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the end of the earth,
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.” (Isaiah 43:1-7, ESV)
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
4 Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
peoples in exchange for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
and from the west I will gather you.
6 I will say to the north, Give up,
and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the end of the earth,
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.” (Isaiah 43:1-7, ESV)
I am precious, and I am loved, not because of the friends I have, or my writing, or even my relationship status, but because I am redeemed. God has promised His presence in the very midst of my trials and fears. I have been bought with a price, and I am dearly loved. So I have absolutely no reason or need to fear.
