stare [a poem]

everyone looks

across

at a pair to stare into

brows rise

over orbs

tinted with laughter

looking

leaning

laughing

they all have eyes

to look into.

almost had it

Yep, she gets it.

I want to go buy a bunch of old china and throw it up against a wall, just because it makes such an amazing pile of brokenness afterwards...

Adam, Eve, and the Question of Death

In contemplating my newfound state of singleness, I’ve been going over the biblical picture of the man-woman relationship. In doing so I’ve ended up back in the beginning of it all. Odd that I have ended up going backward in my quest to move forward. But look back I’ve found I must. And now I find myself looking all the way back.

I’ve always found it remarkable that the first love story is so simplistic. Adam didn’t date a bunch of Eves before finding “the one.” She was always the one; she was the only one. And she was given to Adam by God.

After spending two years with a man I was convinced I’d marry, life without him is utterly foreign. I almost feel as if I’m living someone else’s life. It’s not a dark and gloomy sort of life, but it’s just not mine.

All of this has led me to wonder how it was when Adam or Eve lost the other to death. Their sin in the Garden had sealed their death, but they still walked out of Eden together. In each other they held on to one blessing God had given. Both were cursed, but they endured together. Both saw their older son kill their younger, but they went through it together. Adam was cursed to toil and work over the ground, but he always came home to Eve. Eve gave birth to Adam’s children and endured the painful curse of child birth each time. But they were Adam’s children, and he was blessed through her pain.

But they died. I wonder who went first. We know they lived for several hundred years. Were they surprised when death came?

What if Eve went first? Did Adam watch her grow tired, weary, and sick? What did her last day look like? Did she die quietly in her sleep? I can see Adam lying next to her, old and decrepit himself, his arm beneath her head, his face bowed down close to hers, sharing her last breaths. He just listens to her inhaling—feels her exhaling. Each breath comes slower and slower. Every time she exhales he wonders, “Will she breathe again? Will her chest rise again as she grasps for one more breath, one more moment to stay in my arms?” He strokes her hair away from her face and dribbles water onto her thin, dry lips. This woman, this mother of all humanity, is slowly losing her grip on life as Adam holds her. God is drawing her away.

Let me pause here and mention a thought I have repeatedly been struck by. Adam probably clearly remembered those first moments with Eve. God brought her to him, and the two were man and wife. This was in response to God seeing Adam’s loneliness. Adam has his work in the garden and he had named all the animals, but he was still alone. Adam had his job and he did the tasks God assigned him. “But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:20 ESV). Adam’s life was not empty and void without Eve. He had his God and he had his work. But God saw that, “It is not good that man should be alone” (2:18). So God created Eve to complete Adam’s world. She was not the sole source of his life and purpose, but without her, God’s plan was not complete.

So we go back to this theoretical moment, with Eve slipping away from Adam to be with God. Adam was suddenly facing life without her once again. Whether he had days left or years, they were to be incomplete or, as God first put it, “not good.” My heart aches for Adam in this situation. I think of my parents and the utter despair I would feel for my father to lose his partner, his helper. The aching is unimaginable.

Yet I must say I prefer this scenario to the alternative. Let us picture, for a moment, a different scene. As a woman who has known true love for a man, this picture is easier for me to imagine. What if Adam died first? What if Eve was left alone? Just thinking of her heartache makes my own heart quiver. I know what it is liked to have loved and lost. I’m in the midst of the grieving process for that loss. But I have a life a part from that love. I’m a bit more like Adam. I have God and I have tasks. I can remember a time before I had love, before I had a partner. And while I would much rather live life with him, I know I am capable of living well without him. Not so for Eve. God created Eve and brought her to Adam. She was created by God, for Adam. She had never existed without him.

But here she is in our mind’s eye, an old woman with wrinkled hands that have held her children and cared for her husband. She has endured the curse by his side for several hundred years and wept at the death of Abel. She gave Adam a son “in his own image” (Genesis 5:3 EV). They alone carried the memory of Eden in their hearts. Yet here he lay, her partner, her mate, the one for whom she was intended. And she was facing the unknown of life, whether days or years, without him. She strokes his hair and keeps him warm while God draws his spirit from the earth.

Forgive me for being overly personal, but I think I have a small understanding of how this might have been for Eve. Losing a relationship, specifically a serious, long term, romantic relationship is, for women, often a huge loss. It is a loss not of the relationship in the present, but also of the hopes and plans for the future. When a relationship ends, the potential future for that relationship ends as well. The children with her hair and his eyes cease to exist. The Christmases spent going between in-laws disappear. The image of him at the end of the aisle, waiting for her, must be extinguished. It is the loss of the future that women often find the most difficult to overcome.

Eve was facing the same loss at Adam’s death. Their time together was coming to an end and she was losing not just him, but the continuing future with him as well. She was losing her leader, her broad shoulder to cry on, and the father of her children. And she was entering into a life, no matter how long she has left, without him. My heart breaks for Eve. It aches for them both but it truly breaks for her.

I’ve gotten a taste of her possible pain over the last few weeks. This level of loss is unimaginable, and it does not hit all at once. It’s a process of realization and of mourning each significant aspect of the relationship that has suddenly ceased to exist. Knowing all of this now, and more importantly, feeling it now, I have just one genuine hope. I doubt I will ever know the reality, but I still have this hope: I desperately hope that God took Eve first. I do not think I could process the concept of Adam dying first. The loss of Adam to Eve would, I think break any woman. But for Eve, who had never known a moment with Adam, I think it would be too much. So I simply hope to God that she never experienced that—I hope beyond all hope that God took her first. 

the discovery of food [in a new way]

So while school is ruling both the content and form of my days, I have had some time to slowly stretch my proverbial cooking wings. I have yet to create a true miracle, but nothing has wound up burnt or inedible...yet.

Here's a glimpse of what has been filling my plate the last month or so <3

Toasted turkey-bacon sandwich with provolone and swiss on fantastic Italian bread from Salad Night. With fresh strawberries, of course.

Family dinner when Em and I both needed it. Pork Roast in the crock pot, baked beans, and broccoli.

My wonderful, last minute meal idea! Orange chicken in the crock pot--we actually had all the ingredients! Served with brown rice and peas.

Wonderful recipe from the lovely Lindsay. Had to get most of the ingredients, but our stuffed chicken breasts were well worth it. 

As it baked, the wonderful smell wafted through our little place <3

Today's creation, courtesy of the leftover ingredients from the previous evening's chicken. Grilled quesadilla with spinach, grape tomatoes, and chicken.

Quite scrumptious. 

On the menu for the coming week: Mother's Stir Fry, Creamy Tortellini Soup (in the crock pot!), and Chicken Lasagna Rolls. 

I'm also considering adding afternoon tea to our daily meal menu. I think hot tea to get you through the rest of the day is a perfectly British idea ; )

haunting my heart...

cri-sis (n)

1

a : the turning point for better or worse in an acute disease or feverb : a paroxysmal attack of pain, distress, or disordered functionc : an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person's life <a midlife crisis>

2

: the decisive moment (as in a literary plot)

3

a : an unstable or crucial time or state of affairs in which a decisive change is impending; especially : one with the distinct possibility of a highly undesirable outcome <a financial crisis>b : a situation that has reached a critical phase <the environmental crisis>t


turn-ing point

: a point at which a significant change occurs


brink

1

: edge; especially : the edge at the top of a steep place

2

: a bank especially of a river

3

: the point of onset : verge <on the brink of war>

4

: the threshold of danger

Mud on our Shelves

I just changed my desktop background to a photo of the library at Queen's College, Oxford so I would feel smarter.

Sometimes I wish I could just take hours and wander around a place like this...

I also wish I could soak up all the knowledge by just being there.

Alas, tis not to be.

I'm spending my evening with these lovely chaps tonight.

        

 

We prize and praise so highly the works of those who have gone before. Yet what I have found most interesting about Mr. Arnold's arguments is that he believes the best literature of mankind, the work that even the least educated among us could recognize--The Iliad, Romeo and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, to name a few-- was always produced during a certain atmosphere of emotion, which then caused the writers to feel more deeply and so write in a way that caused others to do the same.

Makes me think that maybe the vast majority of what is published today is probably a load of crap in comparison. After all, I think we live in a fairly tame and dull climate when compared to the establishment of the Greek society, the Renaissance, the rise of Modernism, and so on. Nothing is true today, say the postmodernists, so then everything must be correct. And no one says, "No, you suck. Don't be a writer. Be a plumber. You are not a good thinker and you should not think of yourself as good at this art that is literature." Yet I walk into a book store and barely glance at what fills the front half. The good stuff is on the lower shelves, towards the back, marked down to seven and eight dollars. Yet you have to pay at least twenty for the biography of some girl who lived in the Playboy mansion and apparently has a story to tell, even though she has yet to reach 30.

i always will...

I'm struck today with how dangerous a thing love can be. "Every rose has its thorns," as we learned Monday night on Bachelor Pad, but, in all seriousness, it's quite true. One of the most dangerous, vulnerable things you can do is fall in love. Even worse, you can commit your life to that person. A person who will never be perfect, never bring you total satisfaction, and who will never be everything you really want him to be. Yet we rush headlong into love anyway. Love is an intoxicating thing. At times my heart feels so full of love for my man, that it could burst. And other times that love causes me to bury my face in my pillow and cry. It's a powerful, dangerous, intoxicating thing. I doubt I'll ever understand it. But I will continue to choose it. I choose Luke, and the joy and heartache that he brings into my life. I know I do the same to his.

My wonderful sister introduced me to a couple of singer/songwriters who put this oxymoronical truth about love into words.

Fun Finds

While my craftiness may have waned, my love for fun finds at yard sales, estate sales, and the best discount stores around (Ross and TJ Maxx), has most certainly increased. I have a wonderful friend to explore and shop with and we hit the yard sales at 8 am this morning in the intense heat and humidity to see what we could find. She ended the day with far more than I did, but I'm pretty excited about what I ended up with : ).

First, we visited a yard sale with very little, but the lady practically begged me to take what I did for $1. I'm quite pleased with it:

I'm thinking fried chicken and coleslaw during warm days...and maybe a place for blankets during cold ones.

Next, we drove past a couple of sketch places before coming to a cute house with kids selling lemonade. Here, I found what I am most excited about:

Decanters! I know they probably used to hold booze, but I can't get over the beautiful shapes. They're like giant vintage perfume bottles! My favorite part are the stoppers, which make a pleasant "pop" when pulled out of the bottles:

At TJ Maxx, I found some sweetness on the clearance shelves...

Candles! Aren't they precious?! The left hand one is a lace pattern, and I got two of them.

And finally, the best find of the day:

The illusive side chair I've searched high and low for is now mine! It's a soft blue-grey. The throw pillow is one I made a few weeks ago and happens to match perfectly!

My friend and I have a trip to Danville, VA to the nearest Hobby Lobby planned for next weekend, so we'll see what treasures show up from that adventure. Until next time!

thoughts in my head, as of late

Well, I'm finally back to VA after a two week absence. Although, I must say I loved every minute being home with my family. I haven't really done any more craft projects, though I have had a few ideas. Instead, I've been spending quite a bit of time writing. Surprise, surprise, the girl writes. I know, I know--kind of obvious. But I've had an idea for a book bouncing around in my head for the last several months, so while I was home I started outlining and drafting. I have the entire thing outlined now, and I'm working on the writing part. Let me tell you--writing is not for the fainthearted. Sometimes the words come so easily, but other times I sit for quite awhile without writing anything.

Anyway, enough about my writer's block. Not only have I been working on this book (which is non-fiction), but I also recently finished any essay that I'm considering entering into a competition. I just have to pick one. And pay the entrance fee. And actually decide if I want my stuff "out there." I must say, it's a lot safer here, with me, where no one will judge it.

I've also been studying quite a bit. I know what you're thinking...it's summer! Why would I study? That's a good question. And the answer is simply that I am no longer just a student. I am now a teacher and a student. That's right folks, I graduated to the big leagues (kind of)... Basically, I've been given one section of Junior High English 1 with The Potter's School to teach this coming school year. So I've been studying for that class. I figure I should know the material, considering I'll be teaching it. I honestly never thought God would make me a teacher...but apparently that's what I am.

the DIY bug...

So apparently the work and stress of refinishing my chest of drawers just wasn't enough. Meet my next project:

I bought this desk through Craigslist last week for $30. It's actually a really solid piece of furniture, with a lot of surface space for books and papers, and plenty of drawer space as well. When I bought it, I kind of talked myself out of redoing any of it since it's in fair shape. But I haven't been able to get the idea of turning "fair" into "gorgeous" out of my head. So here's what I'm thinking...

Green!!

Seriously though, I've been thinking about green on this desk so much, that I'm pretty sure I'll just have to go for it. The first desk has similar design elements to mine, particularly the scalloped edges along the bottom. Both the first and third desks have the traditional round knobs that mine does, but I'm thinking of replacing them with something more like this:

I found these knobs at myknobs.com, and both are less than $5 a piece. With only 5 knobs to replace, adding this finishing touch could be well within the budget.

While I am anticipating some serious sanding would have to take place, I think I'll be able to get away with a less involved paint job. I'll probably sand it all down, prime it all, particularly the drawers, then paint a couple of coats in either a satin or semi-gloss finish. 

I definitely caught something...what have I gotten myself into??

Shabbin up the Chic

Well, I've officially completed (almost) my first major DIY project. After finding this little beauty at the DAV for $28, I've now refinished her into something cute and functional, yet without breaking my very small piggy bank.  

The most difficult part of this project was definitely the sanding. I spent about 5 hours sanding down the entire thing, and got some serious back and shoulder pain in the process. And the end result hardly looked promising...

After sanding came priming...

Then painting it brown. It was during this part of the process that I wondered if I had, truly, lost my mind. I had just primed the whole thing white after sanding down the dark brown stain, only to paint it brown again. You'll see how ironic this becomes after this step...

There she is...dark brown again. Get ready for some massive irony...

Yes, I painted it white. Again. Bear in mind, this piece started brown. Then was sanded down. Then primed white. Painted brown. Painted white. Oh, it gets better...

I sanded it...again.

I must say, even though this process involved multiple steps that required some serious elbow grease, I'm really pleased with the end result. It's not quite finished though. I plan to put a sealant on since it will be used in my new place. And I need to put the hardware back on. Which, as it turns out, looks great on the "new" piece.

Cherry Summer

On a whim, I decided to take a cupcake adventure today. Afterall, it is summer, and warm days like this one deserve some sweet treats. So after making a trek down the street to the grocery store, I came up with these delightful sweets: Cherry Limeade Cupcakes

Summer is a time for fresh tastes and projects, and with Sonic Happy Hour on my schedule most evenings, I could think of nothing better than to infuse my favorite treat with the taste of summer. The recipe is fairly basic, and I'll provide it at the end. 

Start with a white cake mix, and add the limeade concentrate for the flavor. I got the cheap, store brand of both since I was doing quite a bit to them. I was most concerned with having a moist, fluffy cake, and this brand worked just fine.

I added the ingredients as instructed, but substituted half the water for 3/4 cup of the limeade concentrate.

The batter came out nice and fluffy in the end, which is just what I wanted.

And colored it pink!!

 While they baked, I made the frosting, for which you need two key ingredients.

           

                           

   

                       butter                 +            sugar                =     buttercream (yum!)


By the time I finished, the cupcakes were done. I opened the oven and found...

(they look orange, but they really turned out a nice cherry-pink)

And my final product...

And yummy too!

I put a little bit of green sugar on top, followed by a sour cherry candy. And that's that!!

Recipe

Cupcakes

1 white cake mix (makes 24-30 cupcakes)

1 can limeade concentrate (you will use 6 oz, or 3/4 cup)

3 egg whites

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup water

15 approx. drops Red food coloring

Frosting/Decor
1 lb/2 cups unsalted butter
6 cups confectioner's sugar
2 tsp vanilla
Green sugar
Red Sour Cherry Candy

Enjoy!

Springtime Lovin

Now that summer has officially come to call, I've started on all my projects and goals. Since I do not start my wonderful nanny job until June 9th, I have quite a bit of time on my hands. Since Emily and I decided to move off campus, I've been collecting various pieces of ideas and inspiration through StumbleUpon and my favorite site, Anthropologie.

Well tonight I've officially finished my first project for mine and Emily's apartment. I absolutely love all the fun spring/summer colors and patterns, so I took a little trip to Michael's and got my supplies. And this is what came about...

Laying out the pattern of the paper. I decided to be brave and cut up the four sheets of scrapbooking paper instead of simply covering the canvas with four, large blocks. 

After the glue was applied. I mixed Elmer's Glue-All with equal parts water and used a paintbrush to apply it. I first covered the canvas, then laid down the paper. I then covered the entire thing with another overall layer of glue. Some of the edges were stubborn so it took a few more attempts. By the time I finished it was almost midnight and the whole thing needed a night to dry. 

I really like the glossy look of the wet glue. If I buy real Mod Podge then I'll get a glossy finish over the paper.

...late night musical inspiration...also good when inhaling the scent of glue

I love the contrast between the horizontal and vertical stripes, the plaid and checks, and the floral and scrolling. I also really like the colors in these papers--pink, mauve, teal, blue, and green. 

You can barely tell, but here's a shot with the pencil sketching of the letters, "Love." I was pretty nervous by this point, since I was getting close to the point of painting. I.E., the point of no return...

And I LOVED it!! After I started seeing how the curves of the L contrasted with the straight lines in the paper, I fell in deep lovin with the colors and design. You never know how it will work out, but sometimes it's far better than you ever anticipated. 

Ta-da!! I think the lettering looks a little like Minnie Mouse. I think this would go up in her cottage next to a picture of her and Mickie. 

It's summer, and I'm so excited about the many projects I hope to complete! Among these are more wall decor, a coffee table (which I hope to refinish in an aqua blue), various throw pillows and linens, and hopefully some lampshades. So here is wishing everyone a ton of Summer Love.